


Turgid Pickle

by Reyka_Sivao



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Anal Sex, Enthusiastic Consent, M/M, Porn, Purple Prose, Shameless Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:08:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27239323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reyka_Sivao/pseuds/Reyka_Sivao
Summary: Deliberately terrible Spirk smut. You’re welcome.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 24
Kudos: 43





	Turgid Pickle

Kirk walked through the door of his first officer’s quarters. He was the captain, so doors couldn’t stop him even if they were closed.

“Heyyyyy,” he said, pronouncing all five y’s.

Spock waggled one eyebrow in Morse code to say ‘illogical’, which was his favorite way of flirting. “Captain,” he said, with his vocal cords this time, “I was not expecting you tonight.”

“I mean, I could leave…”

Spock stood up. He was wearing one of those fancy Vulcan bathrobes, but without the belt. “I believe that to be unnecessary.”

Kirk eyed the slightly greenish turgid package that was suddenly revealed to him. “You know I’m always in the mood for pickles,” he said. “How are you feeling about sausage?”

“I believe you are aware that I am a vegetarian, Captain.”

“Ok, how about a carrot? —a pink carrot?” he added to Spock’s unspoken eyebrow question. 

“Are you implying that your genitalia are odd and possibly deliberately cultivated for specific color profiles?”

Kirk smirked. “You know it, babe.”

“To change metaphors—‘are you made of rubber, because I believe your ass is about to get Vulcanized’.”

Kirk’s pants hit the floor before he could even touch them. His erection twitched inside his starfleet-issue tighty whities. “Wanna mind-meld with my sperm spatula?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

Spock knelt down and placed his erotically sensitive fingers on Kirk’s Kirk and Balls. Where his underwear had gotten off to, neither of them noticed because they were too busy doing sexy sex things. 

“Moan,” Kirk moaned, moaningly. It was because it felt good. 

“My mind to your genitals,” said Spock, which was enough to make Kirk spurt baby batter all across the room. A lot of the room because he had a lot of it. It being semen from his human testicles. 

“Oh, oh” said Kirk. “You may be half Vulcan, but you’re ALL sexy.”

“You may be Captain Kirk, but may have to call you Captain Kink.”

“Please do,” said Kirk. 

“Very well, Captain Kink, would you like my shuttlecraft in your docking bay?”

“Shields down and ready for entry!”

Spock’s swollen nacelle powered up even further. “I’m going to put my infinite diversity in your infinite combinations,” he declared, and stood up so fast that his elongated groinal organ entered Kirk’s pre-moistened butthole all in one movement. 

“Oh babe, lubricate my intestines!”

“I shall endeavor to do so as efficiently as possible,” said Spock, without breaking the carefully calculated rhythm of his thrusting. 

“OH MY WHAT DOES GOD NEED WITH A STARSHIP!” Kirk cried as he came again, because he could do that. 

“Surak’s logical left testicle!” Spock ejaculated as he ejaculated. 

Kirk smiled and looked Spock in the eye for a minute. 

“It’s been 60 seconds, maybe it’s time to pull out? I kinda need to pee.”

“Oh right,” said Spock, and pulled his now-less-tumescent but still greenish penis out of Kirk’s anus. 

“Remind me what that Vulcan word you like to use for us is?” said Kirk. “What does it mean again, pals, bros, possible fuckbuddies?”

“T’hy’la,” said Spock. “And yes. If my father asks, we are definitely….’bros’.” 

“Of course,” said Kirk. “...and your mother?”

“...she already asked what she should send for our anniversary.”

“I knew I liked her.”

“She is sending a 200 liter drum of personal lubricant.”

Kirk grinned. “Well. I….suppose it won’t go to waste.”

He winked with both eyes and walked to the bathroom because he still had to pee. 

The end. 

  
  



End file.
